Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:04 pm
ONE LINERS
these are from an old comedian the younger folks may not have heard of which I decided on looking up recently.
Rodney Dangerfeild: king of the one liners
"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."
"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Rodney Dangerfeild: king of the one liners
"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."
"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
- 0
